Shining Through Pain

† Creating Happiness †

Three and half years ago I left my marriage. It was amicable, we decided that we didn’t want our child growing up in a toxic environment. After I left my ex, I realized I had a lot of healing I needed to do, however, I wasn’t sure where to start. The that was healing needed, came from years of childhood trauma and hurts. The first two years were rough, and healing seemed impossible. I fought depression, struggled with my self-worth, put myself in situations that intensified my depression and lowered my perception of my self-worth. I did not value myself as worthy of love from others in any form. I became quite the hermit and I never wanted to get attached to people in any way. When Covid hit, I realized just how lonely I was and how I had isolated myself from almost everyone. b3324135-9d6a-4e4c-9e3d-d87d540616de I knew I needed a change, but how do you find this change in the middle of a pandemic? I started out small. I spent a lot of time outside in the fresh air with my kiddo. We took walks at the county park, had water gun fights in the yard, I introduced him to almost every sport possible in toddler size. We had so much fun in 2020. We even took a trip in the Upper Peninsula. Some things were closed down but we were still able to see quite a bit of scenery and nature. We got to visit lots of different lighthouses and we checked out a few waterfalls. It is always a good time watching Gabe explore and experience new things. The joy he has on his face brings so much peace to my mama heart. I knew it was time to get serious and really figure out how to work on my healing journey at this point. Continue reading “† Creating Happiness †”

† Letter One †

When I was younger you meant the world to me. When I was laughing it was usually because of something you did, when I was hurt your hugs were the only thing that would make it better. I remember when I fractured my wrist, you were the one I wanted in the emergency room. On Friday mornings we would go to breakfast with the guys from your work, before you would take me to school. On Saturdays sometimes we would drive out of town just to watch airplanes take off or just walk around the mall spending time together. I will remember those memories the rest of my life, they were some of my favorites. I will also remember the day you left, you packed up and never looked back. You promised to be home for Christmas that year, and even though I knew you weren’t coming home, you didn’t feel the need to call until Christmas Eve to make it final. I remember that summer I went to visit you. You missed taking pictures with me at my prom, but you were there for hers. You were there for her prom and all her other school functions when you had two kids back at home you couldn’t be bothered with. I don’t even know why I spent a whole summer with you, maybe I knew it would probably be one of the last times I spent that amount of time near you. Fast forward to the day you got married. I remember dancing with you and you asking me what song we would dance to at my wedding. I had a few songs picked out, I just needed to narrow it down. I would soon learn that it wouldn’t matter though, because you wouldn’t be attending my wedding or my reception, because it was more convenient for you to come back earlier that year and you couldn’t be bothered to come again. It amazes me how upset you found out I was engaged because of Facebook, but then couldn’t be bothered to show up to my wedding. I was beyond excited when I found out I was going to be a mom. I called to let you know that you were going to be a grandpa, you couldn’t rejoice with me though, because you had to get off the phone to get your steak off the grill.

✨ The Eyes ✨

They say the eyes are the window to the soul,
and when you look into mine what do you see?
Do you see the emptiness that lingers from the past?
Or the scars of not being worthy in someone else’s eyes?

† I Am Worthy of Healing †

Today, I had some time, so I went back and read through the captions on my Instagram photos. I started this Instagram account in October of 2019. In the past couple of years, I have had few ups and downs. They say that healing isn’t linear, and I can attest to that, there are days when I feel on top of the world and days where I’m not even sure I can make it out of bed. There are times when I overflow with self-love, self-worth, and my self-confidence is on fire. Then there are the days where I am self-loathing, self-depreciating, and I don’t believe I have any worth.

† Breakthroughs †

✨Safe Harbor✨

Have you found that person who beats all odds?
They come crashing into your life without warning or reason.
They tear down your walls without even trying,
and push through every barrier you put up, just by being them.

✨ The Masochist ✨

I’m a masochist to my own demise,
with these broken fragments from my childhood
lashing out as they plague and torment my mind.

† Know Your Truth †

If you know me, then you know I am a big advocate for mental health. I am always willing to listen to people and help them find the resources they need to get help. I know how important mental health can be and yet it has taken me a long time to stop avoiding and deflecting my problems and to finally take that step to go to therapy and work through problems I have that have stemmed back through childhood. I will be honest part of the reason it took me so long, was because for the longest time I did not think I would really have much to talk about with my therapist. There are times in my life when I am really good at being in denial and believe that I am fine and everything is going fine and then there are days, when I am not even sure I am working at any type of healthy mindset.

† Begin Again †

If you know anything about growth, then you know it can be painful. My one word for 2020 was growth. Let me tell you, I grew in ways I never knew possible, and I still have more growing to do. 2020 was also a year of loss for me. At one point I realized I got caught up in all the things I thought I wanted and was ready for and I lost myself. I lost the person who I found the fall of 2019. The girl that was so happy because she was finally pursing herself instead of meaningless short term flings of happiness. I loss a failing relationship I had with my father, as I finally decided to set boundaries and take care of myself by cutting him completely out of my life. I loss my uncle to a heart attack in October.